Pressing Adalyn Page 18

  And when the thought of dying actually brought more relief than the thought of having to turn back, I turned to the bushes next to the road and retched. Anything left in my system was violently expelled as I realized just how broken I was.

  Even after the rape I’d never thought about ending my life. Not that I was thinking of killing myself, but the fact that death sounded appealing right now told me just how far gone I was. It had taken me years…years…to find myself again after the rape. I honestly didn’t think I could recover from this.

  As I stood there, dry heaving on the side of the road, entertaining the most morbid thoughts I’d ever had in my life, I suddenly heard a car approaching slowly.

  I turned to see a police officer pulling up alongside the road, his lights on but the sirens off. When he got out of his car I thought I recognized him, but I was so weak and my vision was so blurry that I couldn’t make out the details of his face. He approached me cautiously, as if I were a wounded wild animal he intended to capture.

  “Adalyn?” He asked once he was only a couple feet from where I was still hunched over, clutching my stomach. I tried to nod, but suddenly my body just gave out and everything got blurry as I started to fall to the ground. I felt strong arms catch me and I faintly remember crying out Ian’s name, right before everything went black.

  Chapter 35

  Ian

  “Stacy, you have to let me see her. I have to see her. I need to explain!” I was frantic, pacing back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital where Adalyn had been admitted.

  “No way, Ian. She doesn’t want to see you, and I can’t say I blame her. To be honest with you, you’re lucky I don’t jack your shit up right here. The only reason I haven’t ripped off your testicles is because I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. But if you give me any reason at all to believe that what Adalyn saw is anywhere close to the truth, I swear to you, you’ll leave this hospital a woman because you will have been castrated.”

  “Dammit, Stacy, of course what she saw isn’t what it looked like. There is an explanation and I’ll be happy to explain it to you, but I need to explain it to Adalyn first. She needs to be the first one to hear it and soon, Stacy. She’s hurting. I know she’s hurting. I need to fix this.”

  I’d left my pride back in that damn ballroom. I didn’t care what amount of begging and pleading it would take to get Adalyn to listen to me, I would do whatever it took. I knew it looked horrible. I can only imagine what was running through Adalyn’s mind right now, how confused and hurt she must be and it was eating me alive.

  “Look, Ian, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But I can’t let you go in there without her permission. The doctors said she should be able to go home sometime today most likely. Maybe she will be willing to see you once she’s out of the hospital.”

  “It’s been three days, Stacy. THREE. DAYS. She’s been sick and hurting for three days. The longer she goes without giving me a chance to explain, the longer she is in pain. The further she drifts away from me. You know how hard it is to get through to her, Stacy. If I don’t get to talk to her soon she will have already shut me out completely, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her to let me back in.”

  “So what, if Adalyn keeps refusing to see you, you’re just going to give up? If it’s too hard you’ll just cut your losses? Go back to that bitch of an ex?”

  “Stop it, Stacy! You know that’s not true! Adalyn is it for me. Whether she ever takes me back or not, it doesn’t matter. There is no one else for me. I’ll spend every day the rest of my life trying to prove to her that I am the man she fell in love with and that what she saw was a mistake. I would never hurt her. Not intentionally.”

  “Really? Well you did a damn good job of doing it accidentally, so I’d hate to see what you would have done to her if it had been on purpose. Aside from murder I’m not sure how you would even top this, anyway.”

  “Dammit!” I was going to go bald from yanking on my hair as much as I had been. I hadn’t been home, hadn’t eaten and had only passed out for a few minutes at a time since Adalyn had been admitted to the hospital.

  Thank God that cop had found her on the side of the road. I can’t even bring myself to think of what might have happened if she had been out there alone too much longer. The doctor’s said she was severely dehydrated and was unconscious when she first arrived to the emergency room. Once she had woken up, she had been hysterical, ripping out her IV and scratching at her skin. Stacy said the doctor’s had to sedate her when she wouldn’t stop screaming.

  I was afraid they were going to admit her into the psych ward, but she eventually calmed down. They were still thinking of admitting her because she still hadn’t spoken a word. The only person she would acknowledge was Stacy and even then she hadn’t communicated anything verbally. The only reason they were considering letting her leave now was because Stacy had signed a waiver agreeing to take responsibility for watching her over the next week. She was even taking an entire week off of work because they recommended Adalyn not be alone.

  I hated that all of this information was second hand. I hated that Stacy was going to be the one taking care of Adalyn when I wanted it to be me. When Adalyn shouldn’t even have to be taken care of like this because I never should have hurt her in the first place. I knew we never should have gone to that charity event. I had no doubt that Maggie would cause trouble, but I never imagined I would have any hand in it. I was so mad and I had nowhere to direct my anger at but myself.

  I never should have even spoken to Maggie. I should have taken Adalyn’s hand and walked away. I especially should have never walked off with Maggie. I just needed to get her away from Adalyn. I knew she wouldn’t leave us alone until I let her say her peace and I was trying to spare Adalyn from whatever lies and hate came spewing out of Maggie’s mouth.

  I’d never regretted something so much in my entire life. The thought of losing Adalyn was unbearable.

  No. No. I couldn’t think like that. I would get Adalyn back. I would explain everything and it would be hard but she would trust me again eventually and we could go back to where we were. I loved Adalyn. We were meant to be together. As clichéd as that sounded, it was true. I never felt more right than when Adalyn was in my arms. Maybe it sounded like codependency that I knew I couldn’t go on without her. That I needed her more than I needed to breathe, but I didn’t care. It was true. There was no life for me anymore without Adalyn. Not a life worth living, anyway.

  “Stacy, please. I’m desperate. I’ll do anything. You know I love her. You know this is killing me. I need you to trust me, even though you have no reason to right now, but I need you to. You saw what I went through with Maggie and you know I would never do that to someone else. I would never hurt Adalyn like that. I’d leave her before I’d cheat.”

  Stacy sighed and hung her head. She was just as exhausted as me. She had only left the hospital a couple of times to run get things for Adalyn and do some necessary errands, but other than that she hadn’t left Adalyn’s side. She was an amazing friend and I would be forever grateful to her for being there for Adalyn through all of this.

  “I know, Ian. I just don’t know what you want me to do. The one time I said your name she freaked out. They almost had to sedate her again. She’s just been through so much. She didn’t even break down like this after she was raped. It’s like something snapped in her this time. I think the weight of all the pain she’s been harboring all these years just came barreling at her when she saw you with Maggie. I don’t think everything she’s feeling right now is entirely your fault, some of it just residual emotions from her past that she’s channeling on to you, but I really think you just need to respect her wishes right now and keep your distance. I promise, as soon as I think she can handle talking to you, I’ll call you. That’s the best I can do.”

  I knew she was right. It was killing me not being able to talk to her, hold her, make all her pain go away, but seeing me right now would most likely
make it worse.

  “I’m not really supposed to repeat any of this and Adalyn would probably be mad at me for how much I’ve been telling you, but believe it or not, I want you guys to work out,” Stacy said in almost a whisper, staring at the ground.

  “What is it, Stacy? What did they say?” I begged, grabbing her shoulders and urging her to look at me, pleading with my eyes.

  Her shoulders slumped and she stalked towards one of the seats in the waiting area, putting her head in her hands with her elbows resting on her knees. When she finally looked up at me, she had tears running down her cheeks.

  “Stacy please, you’re killing me here. You never cry. It can’t be good if you’re crying. Just tell me, please. I can handle it.”

  She took in a shaky breath and exhaled deeply. “The doctors said they think she is having some kind of post traumatic event. Apparently her psychiatrist she saw after the rape had predicted this sort of thing, claiming Addy never fully accepted what had happened to her. Her doctor had spent months trying to get her to truly face what had happened, but she was coping in all the wrong ways and her doctor wrote that there was a good possibility that another traumatic event in her life might have this kind of backlash.” She paused, taking in another shaky breath.

  “They called her psychiatrist and he actually flew out here yesterday and saw her. He confirmed that that’s what is happening to her. And he…” Stacy trailed off, looking everywhere but at me.

  “What Stacy, just say it.”

  “He said he recommends Adalyn not see you. That since what happened with you is what triggered her episode, that she may now associate you with the rape and it could send her into hysterics again. He said that…” Stacy trailed off again as she wiped a tear from her face. “He said that she may never fully recover, and that even if she does, she may never be able to see you and react normally. I’m so sorry, Ian. I don’t know how much of that is true. Maybe he’s a quack. Maybe he’s just exaggerating and giving the worst case scenario. I’m sure with time it will be fine. Adalyn is strong, she can get through this.”

  I couldn’t hear anything else Stacy said after that. It was too much to take in, the thought of Adalyn associating me with so much pain and grief. The thought that every time she saw my face that it would bring so much pain that she would fall apart. How could I fix things if that were true? Nothing I said or did would be able to undo that kind of damage.

  I needed air. I couldn’t breathe, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I just needed to be anywhere else right then. And without another look back, I walked out.

  Chapter 36

  Adalyn

  I didn’t know how long it had been since that horrible night. The night my life officially ended. Metaphorically, of course. I still hadn’t spoken to anyone. I knew it was killing Stacy. She eventually went back to work once she realized I wasn’t going to do anything crazy like slit my wrists or something. I think when I finally started eating solid foods is when she felt comfortable enough to leave me alone for a while, though she was only working half days.

  I was getting damn tired of being baby sat. I appreciated what she was doing for me, and I wasn’t mad at her, I was mad at myself. I wasn’t sitting around feeling sorry for myself anymore. I hadn’t talked because I truly had nothing worth saying. I wasn’t ready to pretend like everything was okay and I definitely was not ready to talk about what happened. So I just didn’t talk.

  I knew I needed to snap out of this soon before I completely pushed everyone away from me for good. Carrie hadn’t been to visit in at least two days now. I guess she realized it was pointless since I didn’t talk or make eye contact. I couldn’t even imagine what must be going through everyone’s minds right then. They must have thought I was out of my mind. Literally. I’m sure I looked it.

  I was showering and going through the daily motions, mostly doing things out of muscle memory rather than actual effort. I was going to have to leave the apartment soon because being cooped up was making things worse, I knew, but it would be harder to not speak out in public. Strangers expected eye contact and polite words and I could provide neither. Not that I cared what people thought, but I didn’t want to be rude just because I was a mess.

  I’d stopped playing that night over and over in my head. I realized a few days in that torturing myself by having the memory of Ian’s hands on her was not making anything better. It was bad enough what he had done to me, but to keep reliving it over and over was no one’s fault but my own.

  It was hard to keep myself distracted at first. I had no interest in doing anything at all. Sounds annoyed me and every time I tried to watch TV or listen to music I just became increasingly agitated. I tried reading but I couldn’t focus long enough to make it past a few pages. So I did a lot of mundane tasks. I cleaned, organized, cooked. Even when there was nothing to do, I’d clean everything again or I’d bake dozens of cookies and various treats. Stacy lectured me constantly about how fat she was going to get, and I’d never admit it to her, but her nagging me as if everything were normal was exactly what I needed.

  One morning after Stacy left for work I was looking for something to do and decided to bake something since I’d already cleaned every nook and cranny of the apartment at least three times in the last couple of days. Only when I started to gather all the ingredients, I noticed we were missing several. I thought about texting Stacy and asking her to pick them up on her way home from work, but decided against it. I could handle going to the store, it would be good for me to get out and get some air.

  I didn’t want to have to talk to a cab driver and tell them where to go, so I decided to walk the seven blocks to the grocery store. I kept my head down and stayed as far off the sidewalk as I could to avoid running in to anyone. It wasn’t until someone collided directly into me, almost knocking me into the street, that I finally looked up.

  I wished I hadn’t. I wished I had just let a cab run over me right there on the street, because standing directly in front of me was Maggie.

  Weeks of pent up emotions came barreling out at once. Something about the smirk on her face just made me snap, and before I could even figure out what I was doing, my fist was making contact with her jaw. A small amount of blood splattered out of her mouth and onto the ground, and I saw red. I knocked her to the ground and started pounding on her face, relentless in my punches. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, even though I didn’t want to. Her face was covered in blood by the time someone finally intervened.

  My body was being pulled off of hers as I kicked and screamed, trying to get loose and finish my assault. I spit in her face and continued to call her names as someone dragged me further away and then pulled me into the back seat of a car.

  I was still so blinded by my rage that it took me several seconds to even realize where I was. When it registered that I’d been pulled into a car by a stranger, I panicked and immediately thought I was in the back of a police cruiser, but as I took in my surroundings I realized I was in the back of a town car. Before I could make a move to get out, the door on the opposite side opened and someone slid in.

  Ian.

  I wanted to be angry. I wanted to scream and attack him like I had Maggie, but his expression gave me pause. I sucked in a sharp breath and took in his appearance.

  “You look like shit,” I said before I could stop myself, then I smacked my hand over my mouth in surprise. Then I officially lost it. I started laughing. Laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, my stomach muscles aching from the strain of being used for the first time in weeks. The confused look on Ian’s face only made me laugh harder, and even as it registered exactly what was happening, I couldn’t stop. I should be angry, yelling at him, freaking out even. Not laughing.

  “Adalyn, are you okay?” His tone was cautious and you could tell he was trying to figure out what to do.

  “I’m sorry,” I said between laughs and gasps for air. “I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard. It’s just…I just beat the shit out of
someone. I’ve never hit anyone in my life! Well besides Stacy. I haven’t even spoken a word in weeks and then all of a sudden I just…I just…attack someone!” I was bent over clutching my stomach, my cheeks starting to hurt from smiling so much.

  Suddenly the smile Ian had been fighting back as he tried to get a read on me broke free and he joined in my laughter. I don’t know how long we sat there cracking up in the back of his car, but it felt so good to feel something other than anger and hopelessness that I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

  Eventually the laughter started to die down, and I laid my head back against the seat, exhausted. I let my head roll to the side, and really took in Ian’s appearance. He really did look horrible. He’d lost weight, his clothes hanging off of his body. His clothes were wrinkled and looked as if he’d been wearing them several days in a row. He had big bags under his eyes, and his eyes looked sunken in, giving his face a hollow look. And despite the smile still lingering on his face, his eyes just looked sad.

  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was in a car with Ian. Like a punch to the gut I came back to reality. I remembered I should be angry and for a split second I considered just jumping out of the car, even though it was moving. But I didn’t want to. Despite the pain I felt being near Ian, I also felt at peace for the first time in weeks. I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt. Hurt more than the pain of what he’d done.

  “Why, Ian? Why would you do that to me?”

  Chapter 37

  Ian

  I was temporarily stunned into silence. I had rehearsed in my head a thousand times what I would say to Adalyn when I had the chance. Not because any of it was untrue, but because I was afraid I would only get one shot at explaining myself and I didn’t want to mess it up. Only I was messing it up, because I wasn’t saying anything at all.